Terms of Service (parody)

Have you ever read through the entirety of a TOS agreement? Let’s be real, unless you're a lawyer, or have literally nothing else in the world to possibly do, you probably haven’t. Since you don’t have the time, here’s an abbreviated version, covering the basics of most agreements. Once you've read this you'll never have to nervously skim through another terms of service agreement ever again!

• We reserve the right to collect your data, then sell it to third parties. Since we’re allowing you to use our site for free, it's only fair, right?
• Your collected data will also be used for targeted advertisements. Remember that thing you looked at on Amazon last week? No? Well here’s a reminder on a sidebar ad.
• Though we don’t have unauthorized access to your microphone or camera, you will somehow get advertisements for things that you have only mentioned in person, not on your phone or computer, we swear it's just a coincidence though…
• Upload, any pictures to our site? Thanks, they’re ours now, we can legally sell them and use them for advertisements, we probably won’t, but we can.
• Haven’t made an account on our app yet? Don’t worry, we will use the information we’ve collected about you and make one for you.
• Though we spend more money than you'll ever make in your life on cybersecurity, your information will probably be stolen in a data breach, just accept it and move on.
• We reserve the right to delete your account for no reason, despite allowing neo-nazis to post hate speech without repercussion. While you may request a review, the approximate wait time is currently 99 years.